Thursday, September 20, 2012

Hollow man.

Well it was another super Wednesday night out with friends and we ended up at Zquila Mexican Restaurant.

As I have bragged about before, I live in Old Town because I am better than you. So strike one for this place is the location, which is actually not that much further than Pappy's from my house but feels like Greeley.

 I had never been there so I checked out the website. Not sure why they have kind of a Godfather thing going on for their Mexican restaurant, and the photoshopped picture of the chef is kind of bizarre.

The format of the menu with page turns is annoying, especially because the menu is effectively one page once you get into the stupid "book."

Anyway, we get there and at least they have free chips and salsa. I focus on this because for some people it is very important.

I ordered the de los Muertos margarita. Many other people had margaritas. I wouldn't choose a Rio margarita over these necessarily but they were really not that good. They were strong enough and skirted around the edge of being decent, which would become the theme of the night. "Missed it by thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat much."

I was torn between getting a chimichanga and a burrito. I asked the waiter what was better. This dude looked at me like I asked him out on a date. He said "Well it depends on if you like crunchy. I get the burrito because it isn't fried. Less calories."
Which is the wrong thing to say to sell food to a fat person. But whatever, Captain Biceps, let's soldier on.
I asked what burrito filling was his favorite. This time he looked at me like I had a second head. Or a tenth chin. Finally he managed to say "I like the Fajita burrito with the steak."
Since I had been considering that choice anyway, I ordered on his non-recommendation.
The burrito was adequate. Green chili was eh, meat tasted good but had an over-marinated kind of tenderness versus a well-cooked kind of tenderness. Other fillings were not memorable. Portion was good and even though he didn't ask what side I wanted and I didn't specify, the Spanish rice it came with was flavorful. Also came with a good portion of guac and sour cream. Overall the whole thing was not anything to write a blog about.

A couple of people got the Tres al Zquila. This was, again, really close to being something awesome. Shrimp ceviche, guacamole, and a mango pico de gallo. First problem - they are all piled in a bowl together. All the sweet salsa juice runs all over the other stuff and mucks it up. Second problem - no fucking way you are allowed to call that ceviche. Just Google some pictures of ceviche and 99/100 will be finely-chopped, super-fresh ingredients with the fish being a major part of the content. None of them will be three shrimp cut in half with some fajita vegetables. It tasted like nothing, but was spicy somehow. No lime flavor, no cilantro, lack of seasoning all around. The mango pico was terrible, but I hate fruit salsas AS YOU KNOW. Also - this came with no chips, no tortillas, nothing. And after we finally got silverware for our table after all the food was served, it was unclear if we should be using the table chips to eat these things or just shovel spoonfuls of dip in our mouths. Which I am totally fine with and think would be the best theme for a restaurant ever.

The queso was weird. Fairly spicy, but with a strange flavor we couldn't quite put our finger on. I thought it was beans, another person thought it was the addition of a lot of powdered spices. Came with flour tortilla chips that were huge and not that great.

The chicken in the quesadilla  was bland, too. It was again, a good portion, but not really noteworthy on taste.

The table-side guac is good if you like watching people smash some shit up in a bowl. There was ZERO showmanship about it. Nothing interesting at all, just a dude mashing your ingredients together. It was fresh, but the premade stuff was actually better -- all the flavors had blended together.

 I could actually write more, but this is too long already.
To sum up: This is just one more failure at Mexican food in Fort Collins. Save some money and head to Inca or Casa or the North College Taco Truck, because the food is way cheaper, way bigger, way tastier, and the service is way better.

Zquila on Urbanspoon


  1. who the fuck cares what you think ? It amazes me that people like you will bitch on the internet but dont have the balls to say it to a mgr. I have no dog in this hunt and really dont no how I happened upon this sight but I do know that you obviously have no life. FUCKN LOSER

    1. Thanks for stopping by, FUCKN LOSER.

      That is an unusual name for a blind child. Perhaps your parents were also blind and something was lost in the translation from Braille to script? Well, I am glad you proudly own it, that is more respectful than most children are of parents these days.

      Well, FUCKN, I am a hunter as well but I do not have the luxury of a dog. I would like to get a nice shih-tzu to help me chase bears. A friend of mine has an adorable malte-poo that is quite energetic but would probably just roll over on her back in front of the bear for belly-rubs.

      I am curious how you trained your seeing-eye dog to hunt with you? That seems like an arduous process. Is that when you use the balls, maybe to get the dog to go near the bear and then the bear will chase the dog, leading it into range of your weapon? Do you have to touch the bear so you know where to shoot? That seems dangerous, but you are already braver than I, since you advertise your unfortunate name FUCKN LOSER proudly on the internet.

      I have not spoken to the Myotonic Goat Registry, you are correct. I will contact them if you think it might be helpful, but I don't think goats retrieve balls or bears very well.

      Thanks for your help today, FUCKN. I feel like I am much more informed and have more of a life now, or at least I will if I ever find myself blind and in need of a bear pelt.


  2. I'm pretty sure I know how you happened upon this sight, FL. was down again, wasn't it? That's frustrating. So this is most likely a case of redirected aggression -- you can't attack the goat porn web hosts personally, so you go after the next blogger your directionless internet wanderings lead you to. We've all been there. I think you are handling the stress admirably. Just a thought: Until this www.goatporn hiatus is kiboshed, You might want to try